Ah The Great Outdoors! NnoiIchi
by SLYSWN
Summary: Summary: So Nnoitra was once a scout and Ichigo is in love with his own ass. AU and one-shot obviously It's the berry's B-DAY so just read it!


**Disclaimer: Sure I own BLEACH. SLY is secret code for Kubo didn't you know? Ah sarcasm, one of natures finer things.**

A/N In my defense Nnoitra and Ichigo practically writes it self.

A/N Plot is well not much of a plot at all. Nevertheless I did put some thought into this one-shot. Well sorta.

**BonneNuit has this way about her…she says to me, will you be writing something for the berry's birthday and really how could I resist?**

Warnings: AU, OOC, LOTS OF DIALOGUE, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, switching views, crack, weird and random and all the stuff that you love/hate about SLY's writing.

_Summary: So Nnoitra was once a scout and Ichigo is in love with his own ass._

_**ENJOY?**_

_**Ah The Great Outdoors**_

ONESHOT NnoitraxIchigo

**(Nnoitra)**

Sure he's heard of that old saying: Nothing gets between a boy and his dog but this was ridiculous.

From the looks of things, the orange haired youth couldn't even take a proper piss in the woods with out his dog constantly demanding his attention.

Now Nnoitra Jiruga was not some type of weird perverted stalker, watching a random youth out in the middle of nowhere.

He was on vacation with some of his college buddies and their two-bit brain cell girlfriends and really had no desire to sit around the campfire singing Kumbaya and roasting marshmallows.

So instead he journeyed out into the forest and decided to kill some time by tree climbing.

And while he was up in the tree he spotted the orange haired youth and felt it was his best interest to jump down and help the guy out.

And if he should grab a firm butt cheek or both while he was taking the dog leash out of the youth's hands well he could simply say his hand slipped.

Alright so maybe Nnoitra was a bit of a pervert after all but-it was the orange haired youth's fault for stripping down (which was entirely unnecessary) one needn't shed their clothing in order to relieve their bladder. All they had to do was: unzip, whip it out, aim, shake and tuck it back in.

Perhaps he had stumbled upon some sort of flasher or one of those meditating weirdoes who wished to become one with nature.

'_Really there's a much better-not to mention fun way to get in tune with nature, the way mother Earth intended it._

_If getting in tune with nature was the youth's goal-then Nnoitra would make it happen._

_Ah the great outdoors…the ideal mating grounds._

Okay so he never really gave a rat's ass about the stupid mutt in the first place. He just wanted a reason to approach the orange haired youth, whose ass was clad in jeans (well up until he stripped down that is)

It was any wonder those ultra delicious looking ass cheeks weren't covered in mosquito bites-

Rather the youth's skin was a lot like a fine piece of peach cobbler.

'_Wonder if he tastes just as sweet'_

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Kurosaki Ichigo had a feeling that someone was watching him but instead of being freaked out, he was more curious then anything.

Which might make him a little weird but truthfully he didn't care.

His last girlfriend had been pretty weird in her own right-alternating between talking like a baby and a monkey at random points throughout the day and all-

Whoever was out there might just be the thing Ichigo needed to get over his little problem.

It started with his ex, the baby/monkey talking one.

Their break up had been disastrous. A guy like him, being kicked out of the bedroom after being called a horrible lay and a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend certainly didn't do much for his confidence level-still even though she had made him feel like he should crawl under a rock and die at some point-he could never bring himself to hating her.

Nel had been much too sweet to hate. But he did feel betrayed-felt the only one who would love him, faults and all, was his best friend, Starrk.

Ichigo has had Starrk for many years. Rather then him finding his companion, his companion had found him.

He had been around 13 at the time and out camping. His father and his sisters had gone off fishing while he preferred to stay behind with only his I tune radio for company.

_He was blissfully unaware of the danger that lurked from behind. And if hadn't of been for one brave coyote, the large black bear would've swiped Ichigo's head clean off._

_Despite being a coyote, the creature was rather docile._

_The bond was instant._

_And when Ichigo's family returned, the Coyote was asleep at his feet._

_It only growled when goat face tried to pull Ichigo away from it._

"_I can't risk putting my one and only son in danger. That thing cou-"_

"_This thing as you call it just saved my life."_

"_What's its name?"_

_Yuzu had welcomed the coyote with open arms while Karin had eyed it warily._

_Ichigo glanced at the Coyote for a moment._

_It had saved him. Reminded the boy of one of his favorite characters from a comic book that his mother used to read to him. A lazy eyed detective who spent more time sleeping then he did solving cases-very little could motivate the detective-with the exception of a small girl named Lili who brought the detective doughnuts each morning._

_One morning when Lili didn't show up-the detective went looking for her and arrived just in time, saving the girl from her abusive uncle. The man's rage had been compared to that of a wild bear._

"_I've decided to name him Starrk."_

_()()()_

Yes Starrk would always be with Ichigo. Starrk didn't care if he was a lousy lay or-

A snapping noise pulled the orange haired youth back to the present.

He looked around but didn't see anything.

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

It was easy. All too easy. Sure he could just sneak behind the orange haired youth, give him a good start and have a little fun-but now that he saw that all too perfect ass up close, Nnoitra reached a decision.

It was just begging for a spanking.

Ah the switch, a true former scout never left home with out it and Nnoitra was a true as they came.

'Course he never actually thought he'd get any real use out of it-except to maybe discipline one of his moronic friends but-

The only thing that mattered to Nnoitra at this very moment was that ass.

He wasn't going to beat it until it was black and blue. He wasn't _that_ cruel. Rather he just wanted to-

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Surely he should pull his pants up by now-he had long since finished taking a piss so-

Ah who cares?

The fresh outdoor air felt good on his exposed behind.

Okay so maybe that was the real reason Nel had dumped him.

Ichigo was quite in love with his own ass-one of his daily routines was flexing his gluteus duo. In addition to this he spent hours picking out the most flattering pants, even shorts (which were typically baggy) should showcase his perfect ass or else he would refuse to wear them.

Alright so perhaps he was a bit of a narcissist among other things but-

Another snap-this one was louder.

Ichigo chalked it up to being his imagination because if he were truly in some kind of danger, Starrk would-

Wait a minute! When did Sta-

"Starrk?"

No answer.

Ichigo gave a sharp whistle.

Still no answer.

"Starrk here boy!"

Nothing.

This was unusual, very unusual-had he been so lost in basking glow of his precious ass, that he had failed to notice that Starrk was no longer with him.

"Starrk!"

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

It appeared the mutt wasn't much of a mutt at all but some type of tamed coyote.

Scout training coming in handy once more, Nnoitra tossed the animal a nice dead ferret that had just been lying, (sleeping more like it) out here in the middle of the forest and then made his move.

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Sure in the back of his mind it dawned on him-that whoever was out there might be some type of psycho or something and yet-

A sharp sting on his ass made Ichigo jump just then-

"What the he-!"

Another sharp sting on his ass made him jump even more.

He wasn't going to wait for a third-he fully intended to whirl around only to find him self shoved against the bark of a tree, another body pressing into him from behind.

So it was possible he might really be in trouble now-as he was pretty damn sure that bulge was not a fishing rod-

He felt a shiver go up his spine-

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

He wasn't done. Hell he hasn't even started but before he could continue, Nnoitra wanted to ask the youth a few questions.

"Out in the forest all by yourself pet?"

"_Pet?"_

"I fed your Canine some kibbles and bits, he seemed to really like em. Nodded off like a new born babe."

"Canine?"

He had barely touched the youth and yet it seemed that the little tap had fried the youth's brain cells a bit.

"You felt a sting on your ass just now, 3 times in the same spot correct pet?"

The youth nodded.

That was better.

"And aren't you curious to know what said sting came from?"

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Orange brows furrowed.

It was a sharp sting but not like a bug bite, he couldn't quite place what it was but-sticks of some sort maybe?

Why the hell was he still standing here butt naked anyway?

Shouldn't he be yelling or putting up a fight or something-shouldn't he be demanding to know what this random bastard thought he was-

A fourth sharp sting against his ass made Ichigo let out a hiss this time.

"Gotta a name?"

The stranger was talking again.

Name? Was that really necessary?

'_Let's see so some random guy comes along and decides to take his frustrations out on my ass? He quite possibly poisoned my dog and-_

Cool fingers brushed along Ichigo's left butt cheek just then.

_()()()_

**(Nnoitra)**

He can feel the youth shiver and as much as he would love to continue on with the massage-he much rather resume the spanking.

"I think you've figured it out by now pet. I saw your ass and decided to become better acquainted with it starting with _this!_"

But instead of striking said ass Nnoitra aimed lower this time, delivering a few hits to the back of the youth's thighs.

"You know what this is don't you pet?"

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

No not a stick but several twigs bound together, sometimes called a switch.

Perhaps the reason Ichigo felt no need to protest was because a part of him was enjoying this-

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Ask me anythin' you want pet?"

Ichigo felt himself smirking before the words left his mouth, "So you what just happened to be hiking or something and spotted me and my all too perfect ass out here in the woods?"

"Exactly. But the real question here is: Will you allow me to continue to play with your all too perfect ass or will you protest?"

Hmm. Sex with a stranger is one thing but consensual spanking?

That seems a little more intimate.

"I'll tell you what, release me for a minute and-

"Release you? Well I certainly have no objections to that however-

The sharp sting returned to his ass-strong enough to make him wince. "I don't take commands from anyone."

Bastard!

Truthfully Ichigo wasn't all that irritated though-for reasons that he couldn't quite understand or perhaps just wasn't ready to come to terms with he was growing quite excited.

"Make you a deal then?"

The stranger's breath was on his neck "Oh and what deal would that be pet?"

"We'll get to that."

"Get to that?" A snort "What exactly are you trying to pull here pet?"

"I'm not pulling anything!"

'_I'm just trying to figure out if it's the idea of getting spanked that's a turn on or the idea of getting spanked by a complete stranger that's a turn on.'_

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

Sure he's always loved ass, the feel of it, the taste of it-everything about it but he's never seen a prettier ass and that was saying something because Nnoitra had seen a whole lot of ass.

He could play fair and spank the youth until he begged for it to stop or he could-

()()()

Over and over the switch struck perfect butt cheeks-

Not stopping until pretty red welts appeared.

His pet is crying out

Nnoitra wants to lick it all better.

And so he does.

All though he's not gonna lie…the slight sadist in him had become even more excited when that perfect ass began to shake.

Perhaps if he crossed paths with-

Ah well no sense in thinking about future-he should stay focused on the here and now.

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

It was official. He was a closet masochist.

But perhaps after today-Ichigo wouldn't be so much of a closet masochist but simply a masochist.

He would just have to see how things played out.

He was enjoying this little what ever it was but was beginning to grow tiered of staring at a damn tree trunk.

_Ah the perks of being double jointed!_

He could bend his right arm back and be able to catch the set of twigs the next time they were about to strike his ass-then he could turn around and-

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

"What's this pet? I thought we were havin' fun."

It was those orange lashes that really did it for Nnoitra. He's never quite seen lashes that color. It was only added bonus that his pet had pretty cinnamon and coffee brown eyes as well. And that _mouth?_

A smirk. It suited the youth well.

"Oh we are but it's so nice out here and everything. I feel like we should get even _closer_."

The youth's eyes fell to his trousers and then back up at his face again "Really I think it would be best if you lose your pants."

"Oh ya do, do ya? I've gotta tell ya pet you're quite the-

Lips came over Nnoitra's own mouth just then.

()()()

It couldn't be called a kiss exactly-what with all the gnawing and nipping and no real technique but Nnoitra wasn't about to complain.

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

It was only fair. Of course Ichigo had to grab the guy's ass, with or without permission.

It just seemed like the thing to do.

Receiving a groan for his efforts made it all worth it.

Now if they could just move on to the main event-

()()()

The guy had one hand on his rear, alternating between groping and rubbing and the other hand on his chest, pinching and twisting his overly sensitive nipples-naturally Ichigo found this pleasurable.

Back when he was still with Nel many times he had wished that the woman would hav-FUCK!

Okay he certainly hadn't been expecting-or rather he had but still-the guy could've given him a proper warning before he decided to just-

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

Nnoitra didn't give out warnings. If he saw an ass that was ripe for plucking, then he would pluck!

To be fair and because he was growing quite fond of his pet, he started with one finger.

But then again since he had long fingers the youth might not-

()()()

(Ichigo)

It was an odd sensation but not unbearable probably because the sting on his ass still remained so the current sting in his ass didn't really seem like a big-

()()()

The hand that was previously fondling his nipples moved down to his cock.

The guy had a firm grip which Ichigo appreciated because back when he was with Nel-!"

Okay so one finger in his ass wasn't too bad but another one scraping along his pee hole well-he wasn't too crazy about that-

()()()

(Nnoitra)

He didn't normally mess with the pee hole but the orange haired youth just tended to bring out the sadist in him and-

Short, blunt fingernails scraped his back in retaliation.

Nnoitra grinned.

_()()()_

**(Ichigo)**

The act of squeezing one's balls.

Ichigo never thought much on it up until now but it was pleasurable in a different way-kind of-

()()()

(Nnoitra)

A delayed reaction.

It showed just how out of tune the youth's body was because if his pet had been in tune, then the fountain of cum would've erupted from the start of this little session-

"Poor pet, don't worry uncle Nnoitra is going to take good care of you-

With these words he sunk two more fingers into the youth's all too perfect ass.

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Nnoitra huh?

Hmm fitting some how but _uncle?_

Yeah he'd have to talk to the guy about that.

He really didn't desire to think of uncle and sex in the same context-not that Kaien wasn't attractive for an older man or anything but-

Well anyway it was time he told the guy his na-

"Mphf FUCK!"

"Like that do ya pet?"

"It's Ichigo." The youth managed to say through a strained voice.

"Ichi-pet then?"

A sigh. "Close enough."

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

Yes Nnoitra decided at that moment he would vacation out in the woods/mountains more often if it meant he got to play with Ichi-pet's GRADE A ASS.

He grinned and continued teasing the boy's prostate.

"Live around here Ichi-pet?"

"No."

"Oh?"

"I'm visiting a friend."

"A friend huh?" knuckles gave the boy's prostate a playful nudge "What kind of friend?"

"She's uh-!"

Fingers stilled themselves for a minute. "Yes?"

"Just a child hood friend. If you want to-

"Stop right there pet. If you're about to propose a threesome, I'm going to have to-

"What? No I'm not proposing a thre-ngh!"

"Shh pet, if it's a threesome you're looking for I got a friend or two back in my cabin, they'd love to have a piece of your ass."

"Cabin? So then you live around here?"

"Nah, vacationing but still-

"You can't be serious."

Nnoitra snickered. "Why pet? Gettin' bit excited?"

"Well uh-

"Hate ta break it to ya Ichi but I'm not sharing your ass with anyone."

"But you just said-

"I lied."

The youth let out a growl.

Nnoitra snickered again. "Gettin' a bit impatient Ichi?"

"Well I don't see why you stopped in the first place."

"Oh you want me to continue do you?"

"Bastard! Of course I want you to continue."

"Hmm call me Nnoitra-sama and I might consider it."

"I'm not going to call you something so-ghh ngh!"

A fourth finger made its way into the youth's ass. The other three remained still-for _the moment._

"What exactly are you-gaa!"

"Isn't it obvious pet?" Nnoitra began pumping the youth's cock back to life. "I'm getting you prepared."

"Obviously but I mean ngh ahh oh g-!"

"Surely you can say more than that pet?"

"Would it kill you to go a little slower? I mean its not every day I-

"Hush pet don't give me a reason to spank ya again."

"But I-

"Shh! Nnoitra-sama knows, he can spot virgin ass from a mile away."

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Ichigo was glad that Nnoitra couldn't see his face just then.

Because he was probably redder then cherry tomato.

"Bastard! I'm not a virgin!"

"What you think playing a little patty cake with your little girlfriend is _sex?_ Oh pet you couldn't be more wrong."

"Well according to the text books and-

"Textbooks? Let me tell you something about textbooks pet: 95 percent of the textbooks that get shoved under your nose are censored."

"Censored?"

"Nevermind. Trust me only after today can you truly say that you are not a virgin anymore."

_What the hell kinda logic was that?_

"Assuming I let you get that far you mean?"

"Oh you will." He could feel Nnoitra grinning behind him.

Less then a split second later-the index, the middle and ring finger started moving along with the pinky once again.

And just when he thought the main event was coming Nnoitra changed the tune-

()()()

Ichigo couldn't even explain how it happened.

But suddenly he found himself dangling upside down in the air.

And Nnoitra's cock was now in his face.

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

Ah Ichi-pet was truly an ideal match.

Rather than protesting and whining about the new position-the youth made quick use of his mouth.

Putting those peach creamed lips around his cock.

There was very little that impressed Nnoitra. But right now his pet was giving him GRADE A ORAL SERVICE.

It was pretty damn impressive.

Didn't seem to have a gag reflex either.

'_My this vacation just keeps getting better and better.'_

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Ichigo enjoyed blowjobs just as much as the next guy-he figured Nnoitra would enjoy it too.

And he was right.

()()()

"So pet ready for the single greatest fuck of your life?"

"Just one?"

"Getting cheeky are we?"

"Well I do have the best cheeks don't I?"

"And the biggest mouth too apparently?"

"Nah that's R-well never mind. Anyway bored now."

"Bored? I'll give ya bored-come here y-

()()()

All and all Nnoitra was very considerate.

It was a mutual agreement though.

Deciding to take a break from the rough and move on to something softer.

A bed of fall leaves was an ideal cushion for Ichigo's sensitive, ready and waiting GRADE A ASS.

()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Cinnamon and coffee brown eyes studied the man's face for a moment.

At first glance the Nnoitra seemed well a little freaky looking.

The wide chest and long limbs and unusually large grin. But upon closer inspection (and really nose to nose was as close as one could get) Ichigo felt drawn to the man's eyes, like a dark stormy gray, nearly black, storm coming to sweep him away off a deserted island.

And that neck, especially the collar bone.

The orange haired youth couldn't resist he had to reach out and touch it.

And those muscles, strung like a violin or something artistic.

'_An unconventional kind of sexy, that's what he is.'_

"Like what you see pet?"

"Yes I do."

()()()

**(Nnoitra)**

And yet even with all the stretching and preparing his pet still winced and whined.

But naturally if Nnoitra was going to be one hundred percent honest with himself-he was loving every minute of it.

"Your mouth adjusted quite easily to my cock and your ass will too."

"Fuck you!"

"Nah, that'll never happen but I'm having a blast fucking you Ichi-pet."

"Ngh!"

"You really should stop tensing though pet, you're only making it harder on yourself."

"When I get up I'm going to KILL YOU!"

"Nah, you're gonna fall in love with me. Just like I fell in love with your ass."

()()()

"_The End."_

"_Yay!"_

"_Like that did you-tomorrow I'll tell you the story about a guy named G-_

_A raven-haired woman dressed in an old-fashioned night gown stands in the door way. Her arms are crossed and the youthful features are further exaggerated when she narrows sharp blue eyes behind her glasses. _

"_Shunsui what kind of bed time story is that for young children!"_

"_Ah Nanao-chan my love, come to listen to the story as well?"_

_The woman crosses the room and smacks her husband over the head with a large leather bound book._

"_Shame on you telling the children such a filthy story. Have you no common sense at all?"_

"_Ah but Nanao-chan, my dearest, my angel, my-_

"_It's the couch for you tonight."_

_The overly dramatic man with wavy brown hair gets down on his knees and begs. "Please Nanao-chan, not the couc-_

"_Let go of me!" The woman turns to her children, face softening a little "Come along time for bed."_

**THE REAL END**

THANKS FOR READING

~SLY~


End file.
